7. Recognize That the Break Up Itself Is a Sign of Your Incompatibility and You’re Both Better Offedit
Here’s something that grates on me: people who just got out of a relationship and lament that “he/she and I were perfect together.”
For some reason when it comes to judging someone’s compatibility, people suddenly excise out the fact that they aren’t together anymore. Oh yeah, even though we were clawing at each other’s throats for the last six months, that first trip we took to Florida was magical. We were just so right together.
While we do all have perceptual biases for remembering things better than they were 2 , 3 , it’s important to remind oneself that you broke up for a reason. And often that reason is a very good reason.
And for those of you still holding onto that one special someone months or years later: stop. If they were right for you, they would have realized it by now. You’re deluding yourself. Move on.
8. Invest in Yourself
The longer you spend in a romantic relationship, the more your sense of identity melds with theirs. Being together with someone in such an intimate space for so long creates a third, overlapping psychological entity that comprises both you and them.
And when that entity suddenly dies, not only is it painful, but it leaves a temporary void in who you are. 4
This is why the best and most important post-breakup advice on the planet is to invest in rebuilding your personal identity. Rediscover your old hobbies. Focus double on work. Start that new project you’ve been putting off for months. And most of all, spend time with your friends. Your friends will not only reassure you and make you feel better in the moment, but they will also help you reinforce your own personal identity again. Friendship is the best medicine for heartbreak.
9. Only Start Dating Again When You’re Legitimately Excited to See New People
A lot of people break up and enter a “rebound” period. They’re immediately back on the market and throwing themselves at the first thing that comes by. The problem is this is more of a coping mechanism than genuine enthusiasm for the new people one’s meeting. You can tell because the new connections you make feel complicated and lacking. Anxiety and desperation come back with a vengeance, and overall the process of meeting someone new is far less enjoyable.
After you break contact and invest in yourself http://besthookupwebsites.org/local-hookup/vancouver-2/, don’t pressure yourself to meet someone new until you’re legitimately excited to do it. There’s a difference between excitement and desperation. Desperation is feeling alone and incomplete without dating someone – like you need to be with someone to be happy. Excitement is being genuinely excited to discover what’s out there and feeling fine regardless of what happens.
Besides, when you’re excited to meet new people and are in a good place emotionally, you are far more attractive anyway. It’s worth it.
10. Only Attempt to Be Friends With Your Ex Again Once You’re Over the Idea of Dating Them
Some people have the admirable goal of remaining friends with their ex. Other people have the admirable goal of breaking the kneecaps of their ex with a tire iron.
Whatever the goal for your future relations with your ex, they need to happen organically. Forcing a friendship enters into testy territory as it can make the other person feel obligated to you and that can kick up a lot of the negative feelings leftover from the break up.
What I’ve found is that if you had a strong friendship within the relationship, that friendship will naturally emerge outside of the relationship once you’ve both moved on. In a lot of cases, it takes dating new people for both parties to relax enough to form that bond again. Other times it takes a lot of time. But if that friendship is there, it’ll eventually sprout up. Do it a favor and don’t force it.